Oh lordy, lord. What the hell kind of party food is this? I see cake, white bread, beer and ketchup...oh yum! Looks like an endless childhood nightmare of mine. My Grandpa Bob used to make me pickle sandwiches..and the best of the best, butter and yellow mustard on white bread. What were these adults thinking? It's a damn wonder I didn't end up in a trailer park with about 3 dirty babies hanging off of me!
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DEPOSITION OF WITNESS #17 - EVENTS OF EVE OF 9/16:
ReplyDeleteNOTE: Identities of both the witness and interviewing Agent remain classified until further notice by FBI Director.
AGENT: What's the last thing you recall?
WITNESS: Well, it'd been a real humdinger, you know? I mean, every amenity provided - white bread, ketchup, salt, beer, a salad that I believe was potato but may have been macaroni, a platter of some stuff, maybe some hot dogs, and a sheet cake.
So Donny Markhew - he's a card, which is a backhanded way of sayin' he's an asshole - Donny's wearin' this plaid shirt's so ugly it made your retinas detach themselves, and he's been drinking a lot, but how is that different from any other party? He's stumblin' around with this glassy, no-focus look and a smirk frozen on his face, a lot like Bernie in "Weekend at Bernie's," and I think it's funny, so I'm like, "Donny, photo!"
I pick up the camera and he's scoopin' ketchup into an ashtray with a fuckin' knife, so you know he was pretty well pasted, but that's not enough, and he thinks it'll be funny to stick his cock into the cake, doesn't even need his hands, his fly's already open, plunk! Allen Parker's looking over at Donny's prick in the cake like "Woah!" with that face of his, looks like he should be a secondary character in "The Incredibles," and there's this flash of heat and light and noise. I vaguely hear people screaming, shouting for help...Allen's voice haunts me still...crying out about burns and yelling, "Donny's pecker! It was his pecker! Why Donny?!"
I'll never forget those words: "it was Donny's pecker." Everything went dark. I awoke in the hospital and learned Donny, Allen, and 13 others were killed and the area was thick with radioactivity.
Now look, everyone knows Donny was part of that Roswell cleanup team and was exposed to whatever they found there. In fact, he was caught exposin' himself to whatever they found there, the pervert. Look, I don't know much, but my mamma taught me one thing that stuck - don't ever mix ANY molecular extraterrestrial particulate residue of any kind with butter cream or you'll get a world of hurt. I think Donny forgot that little lesson when he started fucking that cake. You show an alien your dick, and it's gonna catch up with you sooner or later, everyone knows that.
I think my big-ass old '50s camera saved me from the brunt of the blast. I doubt the photo survived. Other than that, I don't know nothin' and I ain't sayin' nothing about it to no one.
END DEPOSITION OF WITNESS. SEE FILE G434800020 FOR PHOTO OF MAN FUCKING CAKE. CASE CONSIDERED CLOSED AND STUPID.
The ending of this one surprised even me, I have to admit.
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